These arms of mine…

Anxiety is not a word we often associate with children, except in the context of separation anxiety, which thankfully is more recognised than ever…it opens the conversation on anxiety in our young children, beyond their babyhood and into the preschool & school ages, preceding the classic teenage angst…

All too often, anxiety in children is passed over as a needy, clingy, negative trait and not considered as a valid emotion in our vulnerable little souls…

How often have you just wanted to wrap your arms around them…?

Our young children are now more physically capable, often running, jumping, climbing with gusto and able to pierce eardrums and shake the walls with their exuberant verbal expression…but then we move to leave them at nursery or with a caregiver or with school and they turn inward and cling to our legs and beg not to be left…

They are still too small to voice this feeling that bubbles up inside and make butterflies in their tummies…they may simply be excited, but they may too be feeling nervous, anxious…

We can name this feeling for them and validate it…we feel nervous too when we have to walk into a new workplace or find ourselves in an unfamiliar social group…we may find that we are anxious because we haven’t been somewhere for a while…if we feel it, and we understand it, it is only natural that our children will feel it and that in their innocence they may be unable to communicate their feelings and not know how to describe their experience…

As loving parents, it is important that we acknowledge the need to ground ourselves and understand our own experience of the anxiety our child is feeling…It may be useful here to consider the nature of vyana vayu – this is an aspect of prana (life energy) that governs free flow of thoughts and emotions; it is an energy that enlivens the whole body but is especially present in the limbs acting as a a grounding force in the legs and as an expansive energy in the arms that manifests in their ability to offer comfort and healing…Take a look at the link in blue for more information on this energy and how to connect with it more deeply in a yoga practice…However, you can tap into this energy by standing with your feet slightly apart & parallel and feeling the connection of your feet to the Earth beneath you; start with your arms by your sides and as you inhale, bring your arms up wide in a circle to place your palms together above your head, as you exhale slowly, move your palms face down back to the start position…You can then switch to bring the arms up overhead on the inhale and then keeping your palms together, draw the arms down in the centre line to bring the hands to rest in Anjali Mudra (prayer position) at your heart centre (the middle of your chest)…Try 3-6 breaths in each movement, set the intention to feel grounded and yet filled with comforting, healing energy that you can flow from your heart centre to your hands and back again…(You can see a fuzzy little speeded up video of myself & my friend playing with this Tree of Life breath & its variation here!)

From here, you can move to be with your child in their anxious state knowing that you are ready to engage them without compromising your own emotional state…this is about guiding your child through their emotional ocean, not throwing yourself in without a life ring…

These ideas are ones that have worked for me, with my children and other children & babies that I know…I invite you to experiment with them, be creative and adapt them to your need and that of the child in front of you…

Cuddle Cat

Cuddle Cat

More Cuddle Cat

Help your child settle into Balasana (Child Pose) and then kneel behind them with your feet close together & your knees either side of your child’s feet – fold carefully forward to rest your head against your child’s back and to enfold them in the space beneath you and inside your arms…and just breathe together and rest, and listen if they begin to chatter…be here with your child as long as they need you to be…(or as long as you have if the school run beckons!)

 

Humming Breath

You can do this yourself, or encourage your child to play a game with you…Inhaling & exhaling through the mouth, you breathe in normally and then “mmmmmmm” for as long as you comfortably & smoothly can on the exhalation (keeping lips together) and feeling the resonance of the sound in your head & body…If you hold your child close and hum it will calm & soothe you both, if you can also persuade your child into a gentle game of humming as long as you can together, you will also help them understand a way to slow down their breathing…and a long exhalation means a deeper inhalation next time, naturally creating a deeper, slower more rhythmic flow to your breath & theirs…this slows the heart rate, steadies blood pressure and has a soothing effect on the nervous system helping to reduce anxiety and also means that you feel refreshed by mindful breathing…

Chanting

Singing a favourite song, a lullaby or chanting a mantra or bhajan can all help to shift emotions and create a calmer environment…find a song or mantra that you both feel is happy and relaxing and make sure you know it well enough to use it anywhere, anytime…also great as a sleep cue at bedtime!

Validation and wish making

If your child can articulate feeling scared, frightened, nervous, anxious etc in any way, then validate that emotion…tell them it is ok and natural to feel that way sometimes…try to avoid saying “Oh, don’t be silly…” or “There’s nothing to be scared about…” or similar – they do feel what they feel, and they need to know it is ok to feel it and that they are not the only person who ever felt like that…Let them know it is good to be able to say how they feel…ask them if they feel it in their brains or in their bodies or both if they are old enough to grasp the idea of thinking vs physical feeling…Find a way to express your desire to help them feel less anxious…”I wish I could show you how strong and brave you are so that you wouldn’t feel nervous because I know that this will be great fun and I know you will be ok because this is somewhere safe and the people here love you/care about you/want you to have a great time…”…Or if your child doesn’t want you to leave try “I wish I could stay too, and I will be back as fast as I can after school/from work/etc so that we can have a really big hug and lots of fun together”…this lets them know that you will miss them too and reinforces the message that you are not leaving forever…

Planning

Sometimes, children are anxious simply because they do not know what to expect…it can be easy for us to assume that they know the routine for each day of the week or that they understand that a birthday party in a big, bright play area will be fun…but sometimes in our hurry or habit, we forget to talk to our children and let them know the plans we have so lovingly & painstakingly made for their benefit…our children get swept along in our busy lives, thrown in to unexpected excitement and new situations and the fast pace of modern life leaves little time or space for them to take in their environment and the unfolding events before they are whisked off on the next adventure or cajoled into the next activity…Develop the habit of letting your child know what is happening, when, where and with who… (or is that whom, grammar pedant though I can be, this one I never know!)

Finally, when all else fails, there is no mythical rod for your own back, and you cannot spoil a child by loving them, by comforting them and reassuring them when they are frightened or anxious…sometimes, positive touch is all that they need, not words or techniques, just your loving arms around them and the warmth of your embrace as they feel your heartbeat next to theirs…

OMx

It’s never ok…

It’s never ok to physically threaten your child (or anyone else’s for that matter).

I’ve wondered for the last few hours if I should even write about this anywhere. I worry that someone might read it & recognise who I am writing about. That it might get back to them. That I might have to look over my shoulder…

What is the big deal?

I wasn’t prepared to stand by and say nothing as I watched a parent verbally and physically intimidate and threaten their child…

I was in a playground with a very trusted, much loved friend and our children playing nearby. For over an hour we had listened to shouted & screamed commands and watched arms grabbed & kids yanked or pushed about…

And then I watched a child already frightened, clearly distressed & sobbing, pushed to a seat and screamed at and heard the words “I am going to hurt you in a minute, don’t push me today”…

It’s never ok…

I asked the supervisory staff when they thought it appropriate to intervene, if it was acceptable to physically threaten a child. I was told they were monitoring the situation…

The parent doing the most aggressive shouting and being the most physically violent clocked that I had been watching, that I had spoken to the supervisors…

She asked if I had a problem.  I couldn’t turn away.  And in less than a heartbeat, I heard myself quietly say “Yes.”

In my mind, in my heart, the words: It’s never ok.

She turned her anger on me. What was my problem? What was I looking at? She marched towards me and shouted her confrontations in my face. My heart was pounding.  I honestly felt sick.  And all I could do was listen to my quiet voice saying “It’s not ok to physically threaten a child”…

More shouting “…It’s MY child, MINE not yours, MINE…I can do WHATEVER I LIKE!…”

And in spite of wanting to find my kids and run away, I stood there and that quiet voice again “It doesn’t work like that. It’s never ok..”

The supervisory staff stepped in between us and said what I believe should have been said to that parent from the outset “This isn’t ok here, this is a play area, there are children, you can’t do this here”.  Not ok to threaten me, to intimidate me.  Not ok to confront an adult ready to answer back.  He clearly felt that he had to intervene.  But a few minutes before they had all watched that behaviour, and physical aggression,  directed at the child.  Why?  It’s never ok…

More shouting. I found myself oddly calm saying that I was sorry if I had offended that parent by not agreeing with their parenting choices.

Then I sat down and shook like a leaf and pulled my youngest son close as he whispered to me that he felt frightened…

As we left, my eldest son told me that he had been worried that the parent might attack me and that he had been planning how he might help me if they did. He is too young to have to think that way. It’s never ok…

I told my children that I was sorry they felt scared. They said they were already scared of that other parent and that all the other children had already been watching. It’s never ok…

Please don’t think I am brave, nor a vigilante, nor that I make a habit of this sort of thing. Please don’t imagine that I sit in judgement and consider myself a perfect parent. I make my own mistakes. I lose my rag.  I get it wrong.  But I NEVER threaten my children physically. I have called my husband out for behaviour that I considered bullying and he is a very kind, gentle and deeply loving father. I called my parents out when I was a child myself and disliked the way they disciplined my brothers.  I have called myself out for shouting and have apologised to my children and told them how sorry I am, how much I love them and that it’s never ok…

There is a level of concern in my heart that I made it worse for that child, that the parent marched them home even angrier and took their anger at me out on their children.  That might be true.  But I hope that child also saw that, even briefly, someone was willing to stand up for them.  It matters that child knows that people care about them enough to speak up.  It matters that child knows that treatment is not normal, not acceptable, not ok…

It matters that parent knows that their behaviour is  not normal, is never ok…

Silence condones, it allows people to assume everything is alright.  I’ve walked away before and wished I’d had the courage to say something.

So today, I couldn’t say nothing.  I had to act, to say something, because every child matters.  I was not violent or aggressive.  I just stood there and used a quiet voice.  I was trying in some way to show that child love.  Because as a mother, I cannot do anything else.

It’s never ok to verbally intimidate someone until they cower in fear.

It’s never ok to assume that because someone did that to you, or you saw someone else doing it, you have a right to behave that way.

It’s never ok to treat your children as possessions. They are not yours, you were gifted and blessed with an opportunity for love and the chance to embrace life. Don’t assume that means you can say or do anything you like to them.

It’s never ok to stand by and not act in defence of our children or someone else’s.

This mindful thing, this parenting thing, this living your truth…it’s hard and it’s scary but it’s never ok to stop striving for love.

Shanti, shanti, shanti

OMx